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An
excerpt from
"Kareem, the Goop, & Me"
by
Earl Wettstein
...
BEN:I
know, But this Goop, what's it do?
DOC (holding up the
beaker to the light):Ah,
this one is different, Ben. This one will appeal to the ladies. (a la
Carl Sagan) It will help miiiillions of ladies save biiillllions of
hours.
BEN:Hours spent spent
doing what?
DOC (ultra proud):Threading
needles. Time presently lost threading needles while sewing.
Ben is dumbfounded,
his look is stupefied.
BEN:Sewing?
That's it?
DOC ( demonstrates
with imaginary needle & thread):Ben
my boy, what you see here is a compound that - when placed on a lady's
fingertips - will unerringly guide a thread through the eye of a needle.
First time, every time!
BEN:It
helps ladies thread needles? That's it'?
DOC:That's
it. Boomski. Pretty incredible, huh? (grabs Ben's hand) Here, let me
put some on your hand. I need a human guinea pig.
BEN (tugging to get
his hand free):Doc,
even if this stuff worked... it has zero commercial value. No one will
pay to thread needles faster. No one.
DOC (struggling to
put Goop on Ben's hand):Ben,
your mother will love this, I guarantee it. Even Marge Bountiful will
love this!
BEN (struggling to
get his hand away):You're
not putting that Goop on my hand, Doc! Besides, my Mom doesn't sew!
DOC (struggling to
hold Ben's hand):A
detail!
At that, Doc overpowers
Ben's littler arm, and puts the Goop on Ben's hand. Ben looks at his
hand, disgusted
BEN:So
now I can thread needles faster than Betsy Ross?
DOC:That'll
air-dry in a minute.
BEN:It's
sort of tingly, is that normal
DOC:I
don't yet know what "normal" is on this is. You're my first
guinea pig.
BEN:Swell.
Doc brings out
some spools of thread and a needle.
DOC:Here.
Let's see how you do.
BEN (moves toward
door):Doc, it's
one thing being your friend, but another sewing your socks. I ain't
gonna do it!
DOC:But...
BEN (at arm's length,
hands Doc his ticket):I
only dropped by to give you your ticket for the Oldtymers game. Besides,
I don't appreciate being your guinea pig.
DOC (fondly takes
tickets):Oh,
that's great, Ben. It'll be wonderful to see once again see that perfect
parabola of a classic Kareem skyhook arch through the atmosphere and
drop with unerring accuracy down the gullet of the hemp one more time.
BEN(moves to door,
and opens it):Doc,
I gotta go. Bye.
Door closes behind
Ben.
DOC(moves to door
but it's too late, Ben is gone, and doesn't hear him):Ben!
The Goop... tell me if you have any (beat) (smiles) ...side-effects...
EXT. SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
STREET - DAY
THE SAME APPLE TREE
Ben looks at the
tree, he looks at his hand. He shrugs. Why not? He picks up a stone,
and as he does so, a SPACEAGE SOUND begins. Ben's hand glows with a
radiant energy. He winds up and throws the stone.
THE STONE, FLYING
THE APPLE, GLISTENING
The stone slices
through the air, WHIRRING. PFFFT...THUMP! The apple is cut at the stem
- PFFFT... THUMP, the apple is cut at the stem , and falls softly IN
SLOW MOTION to the grass. Ben is stunned at this
BEN:Holy......?
Ben picks up another
stone, throws it. WHIRRR.... PFFFT... THUMP. Another apple drops to
the grass beside the first one.
BEN:All
riiiight!
Now Ben goes into
a frenzy, picking up stones, throwing them, knocking down apples.
WHIRRR..... PFFFT.... THUMP! WHIRR... PFFFT.... THUMP!!
THE GROUND
The ground is soon
covered with beautiful, red apples.
Ben stops, tired.
He looks at his hand and smiles. He picks up an apple and takes a bite
with his glowing hand. Then he briskly walks toward home, thinking.
END SCENE
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