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"Hung"
A
couple meet in an art gallery, each studying a full frontal nude painting.
"Hung"
by
Earl Wettstein
(The
playlet takes place in an art gallery in a metropolitan city. A sophisticated
woman stands admiring a painting. A naive younger man enters with a
camera).
HE: (Taking snapshots
of the painting she is studying, pushes ahead of her) . [Whirr, whirr]
Excuse me...
SHE: (Moves out of
his way).
HE: [Whirr, whirr]
Excuse me...
SHE: Careful there,
you stepped on my toe!
[Whirr, whirr]
HE: (Indicates feet)
Big feet.
SHE:(Looks) Yes -
you - do.
HE: Excuse me.
SHE: Excuse me! It's
not MY gallery, but I'm pretty sure photos are not allowed.
HE: You're pretty
sure?
SHE: Pretty darned
sure.
HE: You're that sure?
SHE: Pretty darned...
HE: [Whirr, whirr]
SHE: Will you please stop?!
HE: I'm done.
SHE: What's the deal?
HE: The deal?
SHE: May I ask what
you are doing?
HE: Oh. I wanted to
see it since I first heard about it. I want to experience life, and
all it has to offer.
SHE: Reeaally. You
are a hedonist then?
HE: Well, I'm not
sure about that. But I do like to see what makes people tick.
SHE:(Teasing) Tick,
tick, tick, tick.
HE: And I want to
capture it on film.. I capture experiences on film.
Besides...my paper sent me here to report on this.
SHE: Just this one?
HE: Yes. Just this
one.
SHE: Why?
HE: Why, what?
SHE: Why take pictures
of just this one? There are all these others...
HE: Yes, but they're
not...ah...you know...
SHE: I do know. Oh,
I know.
HE: It's better than
I thought it would be.
SHE: Really?
HE: Well I'd heard
about it, you know. The town is buzzing. I love hype. Heard about the
bet, you know. And I study things that titillate the public.
SHE: You study ticking....and
titillation?
HE: Well...ah...yes. Titillation is sooo, you know...titillating!
SHE: Well, I like
titillation a lot. But I'm not sure I'd study it...
HE: I'm surprised
you like titillation that much.
SHE: You don't think
I - a woman - could like titillation, could like a painting like this?
HE: Well, I suppose
it's healthier that you like it, rather than me liking it too much
SHE: But you do like
it?
HE: Call me what you
will, but I do like it.
SHE: Are you afraid
of liking it too much?
HE: No. I do like
it. It's well painted.
SHE: And the subject
matter? Does that bother you?
HE: Well it's not
for everyone, but I'm okay with it.
SHE: Okay with it?
HE: Yeah, you know...I'm
comfortable with who I am, my sexuality.
SHE: And what is your
sexuality?
HE: Geez, do you talk
to all the men you just meet like this?
SHE: Not all of them...just
the ones I find attractive. I do love attractive men.
HE: Yikes. What am
I supposed to say now?
SHE: Just keep on
blushing.
HE: Oh brother...
SHE: I asked you a
question.
HE: Which one?
SHE: I asked you 'What
is your sexuality?' and you started blushing.
HE: Oh, yeah. (Sort
of studies her)
SHE: Well?
HE: Well I like it
- the painting - but I wouldn't want my pals to see me studying it too
long.
SHE: Why do you suppose?
HE: They might think
the wrong thing.
SHE: Yes, I think
a lot of art bothers people, scares them...
HE: They don't understand
it, so they put it down.
SHE: But not you.
Why don't you put it down?
HE: Well...it's here
- hung - in an Art Gallery.
SHE: Yes, it is -
hung.
HE: So it must be
art.
SHE: Because it's
on the walls?
HE: Somebody, somebody
who knows a lot about this stuff thinks all these are good... are "art."
SHE: Yeah.
HE: The gallery owner
thinks they're art.
SHE: Yes he does.
HE: He must...
SHE: He's a love.
HE: You know him...Frank
DuBois?
SHE: I do.
HE: If he thinks these
are good enough to hang... to sell... there's gotta be something to
them. I'm told DuBois doesn't make many mistakes.
SHE: Not many.
HE: And he picks his
artists very carefully.
SHE: He hand-picks them.
HE: He's a very hands-on
guy, they say.
SHE: He is VERY hands-on.
HE: Do you like this
painting?
SHE: I like this painting
a lot.
HE: Seems like much
ado about not too much.
SHE: Really?!
HE: Really.
SHE: "Much ado
about not too much?."
HE: Not too much.
SHE: (Indicates painting)
You don't think he's a....a splendid specimen?
HE: He's in great
shape...
SHE: An unusual specimen?
HE: Well, you know,
I haven't seen hundreds of them.
SHE: Well, neither
have I. But.. ( Large hand gestures) ... ah, well...you don't find it
provocative?
HE: Well, it is provocative,
but I like it more for the way she's styled it, her use of colors there
in the shadows of the skintones. And there where the dark shadows in
the back of the room suggest something lurking, something about to happen.
SHE: It doesn't turn
you on?
HE: I'm trying to
recall a nude female painting that's turned me on. (BEAT) No... can't
recall one. So it's unlikely a male nude would move me.
SHE: Even full frontal?
HE: It's not like
I haven't seen this equipment before.
SHE: You have seen
THIS equipment?
HE: No, not DuBois' equipment! But I do own a big ol' mirror. This is
not a surprise to me.
SHE: So you're saying...forgive
me for being blunt...but I don't know how else to say this... but you're
saying you don't find Frank here particularly well endowed?
HE: (BEAT) Well, I
am saying...ah, well, yes, that's what I'm saying. Not over - endowed.
SHE: (LOOOONG BEAT
as she studies him - particularly his feet). You know, I should have
introduced myself a bit ago. I'm Margo Murdoch. And you??? Or should
I just call you (BEAT-looks)... Big Foot?
HE: Yikes! Margo Murdoch?!
You're the, oh my gosh...you're ...the artist...Oh, I am embarrassed.
Why didn't you say earlier? Oh my gosh.
SHE: (Her hand still
extended) It's a pleasure, Mr_____?________
HE: Oh my gosh. I
am so sorry. (Shakes her hand) My name is Dan. I could crawl under a
rock.
SHE: (Aside, to herself)
Apparently you wouldn't fit.
HE: Can you forgive
me?
SHE: Well, Dan, yes, but on one condition...
HE: Okay, sure, anything...
SHE: I want you to
pose for me, Dan. Can I call you Danny?
HE: Pose? (Gestures
to painting) Like this?
SHE: Would that by
uncomfortable for you Danny?
HE: Well, yes it would
be.
SHE: (Mocking tone)
Danny, you did say "I vant to experience life!!!" - something
like that - "...and all it has to offer!!!" (LOONG PAUSE AS
THEY STUDY EACH OTHER) Didn't you?
HE: Yes...but...
SHE: You'll enjoy
it. We'll go slooow. (She rummages for biz card in handbag)
HE: Well...
SHE: My address...(Hands
him card) Tuesday okay?
HE: (In shock) Tuesday?
SHE: Tuesday, Danny.
Come experience life...and all it has to offer.
Oh, and Danny (BEAT)...bring your camera.
And those big feet of yours.
I love big feet on a man.
The bigger the better.
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